He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
