It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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