it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
