im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
