I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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