I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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