That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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