My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
