Quick, to the slutcave!
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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