420 ftw
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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