If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
