Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize