I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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