If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
