I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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