I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
