How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
