Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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