I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you inspire me to be a worse person
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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