On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
