I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
