It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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