I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
