i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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