Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize