My girlfriend figured out who you are.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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