my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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