Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
