My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm too high and old for this...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
