He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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