Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
