i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
