Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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