It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
