Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
