I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize