just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
