three words: i give head
three words: not that well
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
