I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
