I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
