In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
