I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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