As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
