I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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