It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
