Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
