i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize