im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
