i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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