I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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