her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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