Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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