Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
that is very illegal...i love you.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
