mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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